'language exchange'

My time here is nearly over and the language is still agonisingly difficult to master in any real sense. I clearly have no personality when I speak with Turks in their language because I am reduced to banalities about what I like and am doing. So few verbs, so many thoughts. People told me I was 'çok tatlı' (very sweet). How demeaning.

I had recently decided to give up on the whole debacle. I quit lessons and spent the money on make-up, and answered every question about my language speaking ability with 'turkçe bilmiyorum'. This was the result of many a frustrating experience when the language was really needed, and I wasn't able to deliver-- frustrating, but not nearly as demoralising and embarrassing as other people's insistence on merely repeating the same words, only louder, when I couldn't understand. Of course they didn't repeat them any more slowly. In fact, I have noticed that often when people are asked to repeat themselves, but slowly, they tend to pronounce individual words or phrases with big gaps in between.... but still mutter the words themselves incredibly quickly! grrrr...

On the plus side, this has made me feel like an AWESOME teacher. It is satisfying to be able to converse with my students who have a less than perfect grasp on the language, safe in the knowledge that I am doing so in a way that makes them feel comfortable and capable. Now I realise that this is actually something that I have learnt-- and that is indeed improving over my time here.

Having come to these rather smug and insular conclusions, however, last night I did a backflip and met up with a group of strangers to speak Turkish and English. We would 'exchange' the language in order to better each others' abilities. What a great idea! And how terrifying.

My fears were realised when I discovered that my language partner was concerned with developing his English in order to present his ideas on Anime in an academic context.

I also felt like walloping him every time he corrected my use of the suffix for possession or for the direct object. I was sort of mostly aiming for remembering the verb. Again, I felt like my personality was taking the brunt of the blows everytime I made the same banal pronouncement of 'çok guzel' every time I was asked for my opinion.

A more relaxing and enjoyable experience was to be found on my doorstep (is there anything one can't find at Enka?) when I found myself on corridor 'duty' with a Turkish teacher. Meleke's English is better than my Turkish, but not by much. We struggled through a chat about our holidays, the weekend and other water-cooler type stuff. It was lovely, and reminded me that, although it can be frustrating and tedious to wait for the organic development of language, socialising, and general 'cultural integration' of Turkey, it is really satisfying when it comes through.

I'm not going to ditch 'language exchange'. It is great to talk with people outside of my world at Enka and probably has some value other than making me feel small.... but I am relieved to know that there are possibilities for this kind of thing that don't come off a website as well.